January 29th, 2008

Wow. Nine months. I dont even know if anyone still checks this site! It's been so long since I last posted, but I thought I would at least put something out there for everyone.

Would you believe it...I still get emails from people about mom and how she touched their lives. I love those emails. I love knowing that mom was such an amazing person that people who don't even know me feel compelled to write to me and tell me how much they loved her. I miss her so much. It's harder now for me than it ever was back in the spring when all of this happened.

I think when this type of thing happens, you are so caught up in the whirlwind of making arrangements, planning events, talking to old friends, that before you know it, everything has happened and you don't realize that everything has changed until you turn around and -- everything has changed.

I talk about mom all the time. It's not a sad thing for me. I love to work her into any conversation I can. And it's usually a funny side note or poking fun at one of the many things I used to rib her about. Examples: leaving Marshall's price tags on all home decor items in her house, leaving the letter "l" out of words like "bulb" and "school" and " "pool" so they become "bub" and "schoo" and "poo", and also making sure tha I don't throw her iced tea glass out, even though it's just an ice glass after dinner. It doesn't make me sad when I speak of her. It's almost like I have to work her in to make sure that I am ok with still making her apart of my everyday life. I don't want it to ever be weird that I am talking about her. And all of my friends have figured it out by now. They are great about talking about her with me. It's never awkward when she comes up. And I love that. I hope I keep that going with my children. I want them to know who she was and what it was like having her here.

I think that's my biggest challenge in dealing with mom's passing: having kids without her. I can't wait for the day I find out I'm pregnant, but in the same sense, I dread it. Because all of the joy I feel in starting a new family will also be accompanied by a woeful feeling of sadness, knowing that my kids will never meet that person that is responsible for making me the person I am today. I know I can tell them stories, but they will never get to hear her beautiful voice or her infectious laugh. They won't get to hear her tell them that they need to have good credit! Or that all of the best deals in town are at Marshalls and GardenRidge. I want them to know her. And that's just not possible. And thats the one thing I can't stand about her being with the Lord. I need her here to help me raise my kids like she raised me. I want them to see her as a living witness and know how to be a true Christian living for Him.

If you've heard of "90 Minutes in Heaven" and haven't read it, at the very least, read the part about heaven. It will give you a sense of what's she doing right now. And it's very comforting.

Hope you're all doing well. Thanks for still checking in on me.

~Lindsey